Terms & Conditons – Day 178 – Welly will not ’em read on any terms

A prompt from Georgia Welly today. She hates “terms and Conditions – nobody ever reads them and it seems like a great waste of the written word.” So here is my attempt at some terms and conditions.

Terms & Conditions:

1. Reading

1.1 The subject is only required to read the sections they find entertaining. 

2. Printing

2.1 In the event the subject finds the terms and conditions boring the subject must print the terms and conditions and fold them into a hat. Please see the appendices for origami instructions.

3.  Workplace

3.1 If the subject is reading the terms and conditions in the workplace they must pretend the reading is hard work and 

3.2 If the subject finishes the document at work they must reward themselves with a communal biscuit.

3.3. If the subject does not have access to communal treats, the subject is required to steal a treat of a co-worker from the fridge or at the least buy something from the vending machine.   

4. Commitment 

4.1 If the subject is still reading at this point in the document, the subject should know the author is single.

4.2 If the subject enjoys sci-fi, comedy and listening to the dulcet tones of a snort laugher the subject may consider calling 036745745

4.3 If the subject calls the aforementioned number but enjoyed the Phantom Menace the author reserves the right to at any point terminate the call.

[ ] Tick box to agree to terms and conditions

 

Also…some terms and conditions of my own… please don’t call that made up number- I cannot guarantee a humorous nerd will answer.

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;) – Day 163 – Georgia’s Facebook Woes

Georgia sent me a list of things she doesn’t like. One of them was “Facebook saying someone has ‘seen’ my message but they haven’t replied.” Well I’ve seen this message and I’m not going to keep you hanging on any longer. I think there are a few things on facebook that would be excruciating in real life.

I spot a familiar face in amongst the bored shoppers.

“Hey Jess, nice to see you last night.”

“You too it was a big night,” she smiles.

I give her the thumbs up, I’m not sure why. 

“Actually I’m surprised you remember I was there,” she says. “I can’t believe you told Jason!”

“Told Jason what?”

She looks at me then turns away to the shelves. 

“Told him what?” I ask again.

She continues looking at the shelves. Why isn’t she replying? She’s definitely seen me. I rack my brain. What could I have told Jason? Then Jess opens her mouth as if to speak. She mouths some indistinguishable words as if thinking of what to say, and shuts her mouth again.

Then she announces loudly to the other shoppers, “At Target: feeling embarrassed lol,” before ignoring me once more.

A thought hits me and my insides begin to constrict uncomfortably. I didn’t. I wouldn’t have told him that the giant floater in his toilet at his last party was me. Jess continues to look at the shelves so I decide to text Jason. How can I make this better? I can’t. I decide to make a joke. I’m sorry about last night. Rookie mistake: never own up to a poo. Haha.

Suddenly Jess kicks into gear again.

“You told him you’d go on a date with him! He’s really into you,” Jess winks. 

Donation – Day 157 – Charity

Yesterday arvo I was stopped outside the chemist by some charity people. I find charity mugging to be a very elaborate and polite conflict where you have to fight to actually get out of them what they want from you. In the end I didn’t sign up but they did give me an idea.

“Hi you look like friendly how’s your day been?”

“Yeah alright”

“Sorry what’s your name?”

“Minu.”

“Wow that’s a beautiful name. Tell me Minu are you single at the moment?”

“Er, no.”

“Alright! Nice one, that’s perfect. Today we’re signing couples up for free.”

“For what?”

“We’re all about love, it’s the most important thing in life wouldn’t you say Minu?”

“I guess.”

“So Minu, you fall into our great couples package, it’s just an easy payment of 4 dates per month. That’s only one a week or you can allocate to be part of our flirt sessions which works out to just one compliment per day. Do you think that’s something you and your partner would be interested in?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Love Bird is a charity dedicated to capturing love and giving it to those who need it most. We’re at the cutting edge of love science and technology and we’re currently working on capturing it in chemical form, which is pretty amazing wouldn’t you agree Minu?”

“Um amazing and somewhat disturbing.”

“I know science and love is something people don’t usually put together but we are dedicated to providing for the lonely, and what’s better than helping those in need by giving us a bit of your excess love?”

“Hang on, giving? We can’t give you excess love?”

“Most happy couples find they have love to spare. Break ups do occur but we nearly always get letters from those couples thanking us for helping them realise their relationship wasn’t strong enough. So we just need your name and number, the first month is reduced to only 1 date which will ease you guys in.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to sign up. I gotta go.”

“No worries thanks for the chat Minu, take a flier in case you change your mind. Can I have a one off cuddle donation before you go?”