Terms & Conditons – Day 178 – Welly will not ’em read on any terms

A prompt from Georgia Welly today. She hates “terms and Conditions – nobody ever reads them and it seems like a great waste of the written word.” So here is my attempt at some terms and conditions.

Terms & Conditions:

1. Reading

1.1 The subject is only required to read the sections they find entertaining. 

2. Printing

2.1 In the event the subject finds the terms and conditions boring the subject must print the terms and conditions and fold them into a hat. Please see the appendices for origami instructions.

3.  Workplace

3.1 If the subject is reading the terms and conditions in the workplace they must pretend the reading is hard work and 

3.2 If the subject finishes the document at work they must reward themselves with a communal biscuit.

3.3. If the subject does not have access to communal treats, the subject is required to steal a treat of a co-worker from the fridge or at the least buy something from the vending machine.   

4. Commitment 

4.1 If the subject is still reading at this point in the document, the subject should know the author is single.

4.2 If the subject enjoys sci-fi, comedy and listening to the dulcet tones of a snort laugher the subject may consider calling 036745745

4.3 If the subject calls the aforementioned number but enjoyed the Phantom Menace the author reserves the right to at any point terminate the call.

[ ] Tick box to agree to terms and conditions

 

Also…some terms and conditions of my own… please don’t call that made up number- I cannot guarantee a humorous nerd will answer.

Things I Know – Day 177 – Heidi’s Fictional Facts

 

 

So I’m giving made up facts a go. Heidi please forgive me.

Introverts are shy. Shy people are rude. I should be loud. Loud people are better, loud people are heard. Which is why I know for sure that climate change is fake, refugees are illegal and mascara will make me confident. So the next day I put on mascara, and I am loud. I tell everyone; people who skip to work are 100% happier, tickling your boss will give you a promotion and all shy people have a telepathic connection.

Also here’s a little observation of mine. If I had time I used to like getting my stories out of the way. They were a big stress and if they were done I could stop freaking out. But lately I’ve been writing them toward the end of my study days as a treat. Is this the beginning of Freya the Writer 2.0?

Are You Love? – Day 176 – Tash, Sommer and whiney men.

I think Tash and Sommer are in agreeance about privileged white men whining.

 

 

https://twitter.com/sommertothill/status/468916632350638080

 

I imagine this set out like a kids book.

Ed wanted to find love.

So he looked for love.

“Are you love?” he asked the girl walking home from the bus that night.

But she just clutched her keys a little tighter and scurried off.

“Are you love?” he asked the girl with the purple blooms on her face.

But she just hid her face a little deeper in her scarf.

“Are you love?” he asked the girl with the red lips.

But she just put on more make up.

Ed was looking but he did not see.

Losing faith, he asked one more time.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for love. Are you her?” he asked the girl in a suit.

But she buried her nose further into her book.

Feeling angry and marginalised,

Ed gave up.

 

BDRGRRS – Day 175 – Sue’s Vogon Govt. Reports

I was getting a little worries that I wasn’t getting any prompts, but asketh the Twitter and thee shall receiveth in abundance! Thank you twitter people! First up it’s Sue’s dislike for reading Government documents.

 

So I’ve given the govt. report style a go. I haven’t had time today to write all 200 pages that would normally be needed so I’ve just written an introduction…

Our Aim: To better understand BDRGRRS and prevent the spread of BDRGRRS for a healthier government workforce.

The annual BDRGRRS report aims to continue to understand BDRGRRS and BDRGRRS sufferers. In this report BDRGRRS stands for Brain Decay Related to Government Report Reading Sessions.

Key Findings:

1. BDRGRRS cases occur most frequently in Government Departments such as Finance and least in Arts related departments.

2. Since the advent of the annual BDRGRRS report. BDRGRRS has risen by 60%

3. BDRGRRS must continue to run in order to better understand preventative health measures for BDRGRRS.

Delphic – Day 174 – Academic Jargon

Unfortunately it’s that time of semester where everything is due. I’m doing a lot of academic reading and sitting next to a lot of other stressed students in the library. I don’t think many of us enjoy reading unnecessarily complicated academic writing- so I’m going to give it a go in the name of my fellow students. 

She read rhizomatically through incomprehensible dense thickets of theories.

Inundated with delphic propositions she nearly drowned.

To this day she still has hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Explorer – Day 173 – Sam’s Exotic Place Boredom

Sam sent in many suggestions she also hates “Exotic places made it all better” stories. She liked my “pet redeemed me” story- lets hope this one goes down just as well!

Alejandro was bored of living in the Amazon. He was bored of riding his pet Jaguar, bored of swimming with the pink dolphins, and bored of his pet Tapir. So he packed his things and became an explorer.

He travelled to the furthest most exotic place he could, Canberra. Apparently their jungle was made from concrete, they rode on metal boxes, and their king was an orange man in red undies.

When Alejandro arrived it was just as strange and foreign as he’d imagined. But he had not been prepared for the sad grey suited people that lined the streets or the endless shopping centres filled with useless junk. Even the orange king turned out to spout repetitive hurtful things to the people. Jaguar was a brand of brand of metal box there, dolphins were grey and no one had ever heard of Tapir. He missed his Tapir, it was so sad that no-one here had ever even seen one. 

So he left for home. Knowing how lucky he truly was and what real boredom looked like, he decided to sponsor some poor suited Australians. Each year he takes some to the Amazon and shows them a Tapir. Alejandro has never been bored again. 

Coles – 172 – Matt’s Dream

Henri was a shift worker. During the day he was an acrobat soaring above the crowd and at night when he woke, he would stack shelves in Coles. Unfortunately it was all a dream and he was left wondering why he was having recurring dreams about Coles. 

Matt hates “it was all a dream stories”. I hope this one is acceptable to you Matt.