I am Freya, Freya I am – Day 22 – Rohan

Last night at a birthday drinks I was told “tomorrow you have to write a Dr. Seuss style poem about yourself!” by someone I’d basically just met.  My enthusiasm for the project was starting to wane, but it’s always rekindled by people shouting, tweeting, facebooking and carrier pigeon-ing me funny challenges. Okay I haven’t had the last one yet but I’d love to!

Anyway Rohan (don’t know your last name) here is your poem. As you wish! (Yes Princess Bride reference)


Who is this girl you may ask?

The idiot who set this ridiculous task.

Born 1991. Nicknamed ‘freya-tuck’ the fat roly-pole

But grew into more of a spindly, clumsy new born foal

As she got older she fended and friended her way through life

Got through school, jobs and uni without too much strife


She’s written, re-written, been smitten, bitten, likes to listen, had a kitten,

never been christened and has a crazy family from Britain.


She seems to be physically dyslexic and was shy at school

It’s amazing she has so many friends and doesn’t look more of a fool

She’s scared of confrontation, gated communities, drowning and spiders

She loves television, the smell of rain, funny laughs and trying new ciders


She wants to be a writer but she thinks she’s pretty rough

Maybe not good enough

She’s hoping this challenge will help her write better stuff

Perhaps she’ll even make a name as Freya Wright-Brough

And hopefully no-one will call her bluff

Zany Santa – Day 20 – Lucy Sweeney

On the 12th day of Christmas Lucy Sweeney gave to me: “Three way neck tie causes some debate at an office Christmas party.”

Dear Diary,

I’ve had a Christmas epiphany. The office Christmas party was tonight. I hosted Todd’s-Tantalising-Team-Trivia as usual. Then I told them I was popping to the loo, but really I was going change into my Zany Santa outfit as a treat.

I hid behind the bar, ready to surprise them. I heard their familiar voices approaching the bar. I tuned in and heard they were making fun of my trivia. They were just being sore losers. More voices joined in, apparently they only came to Kofta and Karaoke night for the free feed, and there really was a spare spot on their 5 aside team.

 The young bar tender looked down at me crouching between the taps with a look of pity. Surely someone would stand up for me? This is probably just banter; I’m their fun out-of-the-box manager.

My secretary Denise piped up. This was it. She loves me. She suggested the Zany Santa outfit. Instead I discovered she thought the novelty three-person-ties were not fun team building exercises after all, but rather violated their human rights. This was met with roaring laughter, which was only topped when she revealed that she had suggested the Zany Santa outfit as a sarcastic joke.

This was the final pin in my blow-up ego. I stood up and ripped off my googly eye glasses and “fun’n’furry cropped Santa jacket”. My workers’ mortified faces stared back at me.

“I’m moving departments,” I declared. “For the record, the three-way-necktie scheme was a great way to get a promotion. If any of you had lasted a full day attached to your team, you would have got a pay rise. But it appears none of you can appreciate my post modern ironic humour. The jokes on you!”

And I left.

When I closed the door there was a roar of laughter. Perhaps my jokes were getting through after all?


Allies – Day 19 – Caitlin Callanan

Today’s idea: “A man trying to throw himself in front of a car at a pedestrian crossing” from Caitlin Callanan.


First day at a new school is always hard. I’ve learnt to make strategic friends. Pick a big scary kid and you should be safe from bullying.

On the walk to school I struck up conversation with a boy. He told me he was expelled from his last school. Perfect bully-shield candidate I thought. I asked him if he wanted to smoke behind the sheds (this is the type of thing bully-shields like to do). He agreed, saying he liked to live life on the edge and proceeding to jump in front of the oncoming traffic. Lucky he jumped at the exact time we passed a pedestrian crossing. This should have been a give-away that my new ally was a faker: a loner like me. My mistake became clear as we walked into class and he tried to convince me ‘wanker’ was a term of endearment.

I’ve made friends with a bully-magnet.


Beauty – Day 18 – Matt Hsu

“A bearded lady almost wins a conservative beauty contest” from Matt Hsu was pulled this morning. So here we go:


I have a confession. About a week ago, I was accused of being sexist in the media. When I judged the Miss Queenslander competition I wasn’t being forward thinking; I was being selfish. I didn’t vote for the bearded lady because I really think she is beautiful. I voted for her as a stunt so people would think I wasn’t shallow. Now I am held up as a spokes person for gender equality. I want to tell everyone that I’m a fake, but I think I’ve legitimately helped the movement. 

I guess the constant feminist conference talks are payback for my selfishness. I suppose it’s not so bad, it beats most minister duties. I’m actually getting in to this whole feminism thing. Last week I even got to do an ironic topless calendar with some hot feminists.  


Traffic – Day 17 – Brad Coasty H

Today I pulled out “Held hostage in a traffic jam” which came from a twitter conversation I had with the traffic guy at ABC radio on the very first day of my challenge. 

Dear Diary,

I was sitting in traffic, enjoying the privacy of my tinted windows, belting out Robbie Williams when the door opened. A man climbed inside. He looked just like robbers do in films, bag of cash and all. He even said “Drive!”

I told him I couldn’t, I was stuck in traffic. He looked up for the first time and let out a stream of amazingly misused abuse. Things like “those bitchers sent me on a wild fucking goof chase!”

“At least you waited for me. Thanks. They told me to look for the ugly tinted car,” he had finished.

I’d gone to protest but then felt anxious he might have a gun, so I asked him how much he got.

Nothing. In fact, he’d held up a pet store with what turned out to be a water pistol and had been laughed out of the store. His supposed mates had tricked him. I felt bad for him. But he needed to know I wasn’t the driver either.

When I told him he pulled a knife (albeit the wrong way at first) and said I was now his hostage. He couldn’t have me telling everyone. Just I was feeling genuinely afraid of this nutter, he suddenly stops and looks at the CD player.

“Is this Robbie?” he asked.

I nod.

“Well, perhaps I’ll let you go this once. But don’t squeak! I don’t take kindly snatches!”

I didn’t even have time to tell him it was “snitches” before he was gone. At least it was an interesting drive home.


Key Change – Day 16 – Brett Pemberton

A tiny family lives inside the trumpet of a famous jazz man.


I miss my room in the Tuba already. It was so spacious. Me and my brother would slide around and make up games. The human player didn’t get many gigs, so we had lots of spare time. But today we moved into Nat’s trumpet. It’s very cramped and we’re told he plays every night. Dad loves it. He says now we’ll be respected by the instrument dwelling community. I told him that I don’t care about status. He put me on spit valve duty. I was fuming until the gig tonight. The sound was incredible. We were working with a true artist. I didn’t want to tell dad, but I think I’m going to like it after all. Maybe if I keep doing a good job, we can join the team in Billy Taylors Piano.